Monday, July 20, 2015

The Dangers of Flossing



It’s a little after 2am. I’m conditioning my hair with eggs, mayo and honey and I just finished eating hummus and carrots. And pita chips. Mmm, chips.  I’ve got about ten more minutes to kill before rinsing out my awesome conditioning concoction, and I decide to floss. Alas, my husband used all of the floss last night but neglected to write ‘floss’ on the To Buy list.


All I can hear in my head is Wild Bill from Silence of the Lambs scream at my hubby, “It writes the floss on the market list!” in his best It puts the lotion in the basket voice. But that’s neither here nor there. Those are just the weird things that go floating around in my brain from time to time.
But I digress.

I go searching through the bathroom closet looking for those little hand-held plastic flossing thingies. I know I picked some up at a dollar store a few weeks ago for two bucks.
Finally, after like one whole minute of searching I find them; sitting on top of my hair supplies like it owns them. I pull out a few and get to work, finding bits of carrots and pepperoni hiding. I get between the last two teeth at the back of my mouth, right side, and force the floss down. 

Side note: I had braces when I was younger and now only use the Glide Floss. You could probably string a guitar with that stuff but it fits between my teeth. They are weirdly close together in that one spot in the back. 

Moving on. 

After forcing the floss between the teeth and gently sliding up and down and back and forth, I try to pull the floss free. 

It decides it wants to hang around for a bit. 

So, I start (gently) pulling and the freakin’ floss is still (gently) refusing to budge. I stand there for a minute, drooling while the plastic floss thing is hanging halfway out of my mouth. I'm going to 'go hard' and yank it free. What’s the worst that could happen?

After yanking and damn near snatching my teeth out of my head, I silently scream so that I won’t wake my daughter and continue drooling like a wild animal that just had two teeth pulled out. Needless to say, the dentist is going to get a visit from yours truly this week. I think I did some damage. 

Moral to the story: there isn’t one. It’s now almost four in the morning and I’m sleepy.  

Just sharing!